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by Christopher Mudiappahpillai

i remember as a kid… okay, let’s try that again. i remember when i was even more of a kid than i am now, there used to be an advert on the tailevision for those miniature frozen pizzas. the selling point was the fact that while normal pizza crust “tastes like cardboard” this pizza crust is so crunchy it’ll make people around the house jump in their seats every time you bite into it. this fact was demonstrated by a kid who snuck around from room to room in his house biting his pizza crust to make various members of his family jump up in shock and awe.

although i was never fortunate enough to sample this culinary wonder, i have to agree with that advert to some extent: most pizza crust tastes bad. there is one restaurant who’s pizza crust i like, but i will not mention it here. (Pizza Hut, if you’re interested in signing an advertising contract with me, you can reach my by clicking the “email” button to the right.) as a result, i’ve always eaten the crust first and saved the rest for last.

in the past few years even this simple pleasure has been taken away from me in the form of these new fandangled dipping sauces. you see my dilemma, don’t you? either i get rid of the crust first in order to enjoy the rest of my slice or i save the crust for last in order to use the dipping sauce. i am so bewildered as to what i should do that i just eat the pizza in the normal manner (crust last) and completely forget about the dipping sauce.

but why are we so obsessed with food anyway? why do we go to such great lengths to construct it and then deconstruct it?

did you know that beer was first brewed in 5000 BC? or, did you know that coffee is an aphrodisiac? i did not know that, so no comments on my coffee drinking habits please. what’s that you ask? am i feeling randy? i am most certainly not, thank you very much.

those two factoids i just provided you with are courtesy of a new ad campaign that has recently hit the subways. the Food Network is hawking a new show called Unwrapped. it claims to reveal all sorts of wonderful stuff about your favourite foods. where else could one learn such useless trivia as one goes about his or her business but on the TTC? that’s why it’s “The Better Way” folks.

but the fact that i’m talking about this proves that it’s actually a pretty good ad campaign. another advert that is also gracing the subways these days is for Life Network. i suppose this one too is successful, but for the wrong reasons. it’s a poster for “America’s Next Top Model”.

the advert gives the viewer a rear view of three females, clad in red and black two piece swimming suits and black stilettos. they are, it seems, clawing at each other and each other’s clothes in an attempt to reach the spotlights that are shining in front of them. i haven’t looked at it close enough to be sure.

i haven’t looked at it closely because, quite frankly, it embarrasses me. i can’t believe that it’s being placed in subways that are ridden everyday by thousands of children. the show has a 9:00 pm time slot. if the network knows that the show should be on late, don’t they also know that it should not be advertised in this manner?

i think they do, but i don’t know if they even care.

i admit that perhaps i’m being premature in my criticism, especially considering that i have not seen the show. if you can prove me wrong, please do so.


One of Us

Joan Osborne

If God had a name, what would it be?

And would you call it to His face

If you were faced with Him in all His glory?

What would you ask if you had just one question?


CHORUS:

Yeah, yeah, God is Great

Yeah, yeah, God is Good

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just a stranger on a bus

Trying to make His way home

If God had a face, what would it look like?

And would you want to see

If seeing meant that you would have to believe

In things like heaven and in Jesus

And the Saints and all the Prophets

(CHORUS)

Back up to heaven all alone.

Nobody callin’ on the phone

‘Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome.

(CHORUS)

Like a holy rolling stone.

Back up to heaven all alone

Just tryin’ to make his way Home

Nobody callin’ on the phone

‘Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome.

Text & Music: Eric Bazilian

completely unrelated song? sure, i guess. it kept me company today though.